tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-233868612024-02-28T08:12:59.493-08:00The Long Haired Purple Spotted LemurObservations, rantings and daily escapades.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-58468980323127114422010-01-06T19:13:00.000-08:002010-01-06T19:35:50.755-08:00It's FunnyI haven't quite figured it out but it seems this blog only gets used when things in my life have gone to hell in a hand basket or I'm on the return trip from hell. None of the positive stuff seems to show up here. So I have to ask myself why?<br /><br />I could use the excuse that for the last year I've been taking a scenic tour of Damien's homeland, and that is partly true. But when I stop and really think there has been some enlightening and happy times in my life this last year as well. I think a truer statement would be that we have a tendency, myself included obviously, to dwell on the negative. It's much more interesting to hear about someones lost love and heartbreak then it is how they whipped the PTA club into shape in record time. <br /><br />I have made new friends in this last year that I don't think I would of had the opportunity to meet if I hadn't been going through a divorce. At first it was friends dragging/encouraging me to tag along. But in the act of tagging along I met new people and some of those new people become friends, and a few of those have become really good friends.<br /><br />I learned that I have bootstraps and yes I can pull myself up by them. Some days its a struggle but at the end of the day, it's always worth it.<br /><br />My sons have shown me that I did the right thing to stand my ground and do what I thought was right by them. They are two bright, level headed young men and although there are days when I wish they were still little and wrapped in my arms, it pure wonderment to watch them grow.<br /><br />Finally, slowly but surely, I'm discovering me. You might think that sounds strange but for my entire life I was also something to someone, but didn't really know who I was to me. I haven't answered the question yet,there is still much to learn, but once I moved past the fear of the unknown, it's turned out to be a intriguing adventure.<br /><br />Maybe with this new year, I'll resolve to post, good or bad.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-89619193433690556982009-03-12T22:40:00.000-07:002009-03-12T22:51:16.919-07:00Down To OneLyrics and Music By Melissa Etheridge<br /><br /><em>What went right</em><br /><em>What went wrong</em><br /><em>Doesn't really matter much</em><br /><em>When it's gone</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Was it too hard to try</em><br /><em>Was it too hard to lie</em><br /><em>Did you just grow tired of hello and goodbye</em><br /><em>Was it the naked truth that made you run</em><br /><em>Where do I go now</em><br /><em>That I'm down to one</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Sooner or later</em><br /><em>We all end up walking alone</em><br /><em>I'm down to one</em><br /><em>My heart is a traitor</em><br /><em>It led me down this road</em><br /><em>Now it's done</em><br /><em>I'm down to one</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>I want to know where I failed</em><br /><em>I want to know where I sinned</em><br /><em>Cause I don't want to ever feel this way again</em><br /><em>Was the wanting too deep</em><br /><em>Did it block your sun</em><br /><em>Where do I go now</em><br /><em>That I'm down to one</em><br /><em>What am I supposed to think</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>What am I gonna say</em><br /><em>What did I ever know</em><br /><em>About this love anyway</em>The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-32565352842334536802009-03-12T22:24:00.000-07:002009-03-12T22:40:28.601-07:00Only A NameIt's funny how something so simple can churn up so much emotion and remorse. <br /><br />I had a dental appointment today, the good <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ol</span>' six month scrape and polish. I anticipated that it would be a non event. It progressed that way until I was handed my health survey from a previous visit and was asked if everything was current. Instantaneously my eyes were drawn to the emergency contact information, probably because his name jumped out at me.<br /><br />I was unprepared nor expecting the wave of emotion that washed over me from something so seemingly benign. I swallowed the lump in my throat and clenched my jaw, all the time talking to myself silently in my head that I wasn't going to give in to the tears building up inside. Why does something as simple as a dental health history form, up end my day?<br /><br />I took the pen and lined through the name, beneath it I wrote in my parents. Part of me wishes that my own life change was that simple and painless. Line through the name, write a new one in, start fresh.<br /><br />Instead I sit here, tears rolling down my face, writing in a blog, and wondering what other nondescript item will turn up to remind me of what will never be...The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-18617108129774204052009-02-21T20:14:00.000-08:002009-02-21T20:34:50.747-08:00Do Opposites Attract?I've been asking myself that question for the last couple of weeks now. Are opposite personalities really attracting or is it just a myth? I used to think that it was true. After all my husband was the complete opposite of myself. He is high energy, short tempered, work until the the cows come home. I'm slow and steady, with a long fuse, and work 'til my 8 hours for the day are done and then off on other things. He came from a doctor's family, I came from a small town mill worker's family.<br /><br />I thought we complimented each other, blended together. I brought some balance to his life he brought some zing to mine.<br /><br />Over the last few months, both of my boys have mentioned that they always wondered how we got along, because we both seemed so different. Obviously I didn't see it, or did I and just chose not to recognize it?<br /><br />Therapy while helpful often exposes things you either didn't know or didn't want to know. I can say without a doubt that I loved my husband, but I can also now say that I put up with a lot of things because of the illusion that we were going to work it out, things would get better. I stayed put, because I held the belief that marriage is for better or worse, richer or poorer, but in order for that to work, you both have to hold the same belief and you both have to work on improving it.<br /><br />My therapist told me the other day that I could of walked on water, been the reincarnation of Martha Stewart and Betty <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Crocker</span> all wrapped up into one, and it would of made not one iota of difference. I guess the good thing in all of this is I have no where to go but up. I can't help but feel regret and anger however for all the effort and time wasted.<br /><br />I used to say if I had it all to do over again I wouldn't change a thing. I don't say that anymore.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-38505686813464591722009-01-31T13:35:00.000-08:002009-02-01T14:02:47.533-08:00SpeechlessHow is it that you can live with someone for 25 years, have life and death experiences, have two sons, and then sit across from the person they've shared that with and tell them you didn't really love them? Didn't love them then and didn't love them now, just tried to convince themselves they did.<br /><br />The man I've shared my life with for the past 25 years did exactly that today. I'd like to sit here and write all sorts of thoughts and theories about what is going on, but I really don't know what to say. I'm empty, hurt, and feel like my heart has been torn from my chest.<br /><br />I was told that I was unsupportive. That I didn't put him first. I must of missed something all those years and now I get to pay the price. A single parent and a single person at 47 years old. I get to spend the golden years of my life alone, not to mention looking at the smoking barrel of rheumotoid arthritis.<br /><br />Yes, I'm feeling less than optimistic about my situation at this point. I've been torn down about as low as I can go and am pretty much speechless.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-23709413956652094872009-01-27T20:23:00.000-08:002009-01-27T20:40:32.289-08:00Line In The SandYou may remember a few months back that I said come the end of January decisions about life were going to be made. I bravely drew a line in the sand and declared my intents. Well in case you haven't noticed, January is all but gone, a mere 4 days remain.<br /><br />When I made my declaration the end of January seemed so far away. In reality and a blink of an eye it's here. I'd like to say that I've had a revelation and that all my choices and decisions are clear to me. But like everything else in my life at this moment, nothing is clear. I have a heart that still loves someone regardless of how they may feel about me. That same heart is broken and scarred and not sure that it ever wants to be tested in this way again. I have a brain that remembers all the fun and good memories over the last twenty plus years. This same brain also points out all the not so fun parts. I always wished I had more time and now that I have it I'm not so sure I want it any more.<br /><br />My friends and family have made me realize how lucky I am to have a support system. My sons are my rocks. They hold me steady and let me know that it's o.k. that I'm not a super mom or a clone of Suzie Homemaker. They love me unconditionally and I hope that is a trait they never lose with me or anyone else they hold close to their hearts.<br /><br />So here I stand by my line in the sand. Wondering if I stand fast or step over it? Perhaps I will erase it and draw it in the future. <br /><br />Maybe I will simply turn around and walk away.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-42103662448872446012009-01-04T07:39:00.000-08:002009-01-04T08:05:57.163-08:00The Lemur Unmasked<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7BYIazDY3YUiL0Onsg1rLW08uKiQ85cHQp3ovNA9HtjS2Pyx14mUZqE5L6lm7zdzz4TRlyLclTp2Im1QJj-Lfklay7GBpL8wNO4q2coXpLXnGA62a2EpOLp5mQ71yO0rS53G_/s1600-h/jodi-jacob-david-bmt.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287469923511522050" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 239px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7BYIazDY3YUiL0Onsg1rLW08uKiQ85cHQp3ovNA9HtjS2Pyx14mUZqE5L6lm7zdzz4TRlyLclTp2Im1QJj-Lfklay7GBpL8wNO4q2coXpLXnGA62a2EpOLp5mQ71yO0rS53G_/s320/jodi-jacob-david-bmt.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />I've never been one to say "Hey, look at me!" In fact, more times than not it has been just the opposite.<br /><br />As a child and young adult, I was very shy. I grew up in the country and there were no children anywhere near, so I didn't quite know how to react when I went somewhere where there were kids.<br /><br />Kids are very direct to the point of being mean with their comments. Couple that with the fact that I was an overweight child. The two together made a lot of my encounters when I did finally get with others my own age painful. I found myself growing up, pretty much sticking to myself. I had one or two close friends that I carried with me all through school, but was not a social butterfly in any sense of the word.<br /><br />I've also never been what you'd call a typical female if there is such a thing. I don't live to shop, don't wear make-up, don't have my nails done. I enjoy fishing and camping. I more comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt than a business suit.<br /><br />I was so happy when I met my husband, because he accepted me as I was.<br /><br />I have found however as an adult that I am in a lot ways the same as I was as a child. I tend to keep to myself. My friend base is still limited. I think part of me is afraid of being rejected because I'm fat or too plain or the list goes on and on.<br /><br />If I let the rational adult in me step up, it would be saying why should you care? The people who are truly interested in you won't care whether you're fat or thin; wear jeans; or don't do typical female things. They'll like you because of what they can't see on the outside. Your wit, sincerity, and sometimes off beat sense of humor.<br /><br />So although I worry about the children of my youth pointing out my flaws and making fun of me as adults, I'm going to move forward anyway.<br /><br />I'm putting a face with the name, the writings, the nightly IM chats. Hopefully you'll be able to figure out which one I am.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-65868951348881312132009-01-01T12:33:00.000-08:002009-01-01T12:35:01.782-08:002009Here it is the first day of 2009. I’ve tried to sit back and think about what I was doing a year ago today and I can’t honestly remember. I don’t know if that is because there has been so much other stuff that has happened, that it’s clogged my memory, or if it was really that nondescript of a day.<br /><br />I do think that whatever I was doing a year ago today, I had no vision that I was going to be where I am. Usually the New Year brought a discussion with my husband about what we were going to do in the upcoming months. What projects were on the agenda, where were we going to go on vacation, etc. 2008 was supposed to be a banner year for us. Our eldest son was going to graduate from high school, we we’re going to take a long planned vacation to the East Coast, and my oldest was going to join the Air Force. It would be the start of my youngest son’s freshman year in high school. The end of one stage of our life and the beginning of a new one. Little did I know. I’ll save you the instant reply and for those who don’t have a clue, there’s catch up reading for you to do if you have an interest.<br /><br />I’m not really sure what 2009 holds for me. To be honest, I’m not sure that I want to know. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep, wake up, and have everything back to the way it was. The reality however is there were a lot of things then that I really don’t want to be part of now. Unfortunately I can’t trim away the bad and leave the good. I’ve always known that and I had made a decision that the good was worth enduring the bad. I had taken my wedding vows sincerely, for better or worse, richer or poorer. What did that type of sincerity get me? Me, standing alone, after 23 plus years of marriage.<br /><br />I have to be honest; I don’t know who I am. I’m a mother, daughter, granddaughter, friend, co-worker, and one time wife. But who am I? What do I want? The thought scares the crap out of me and excites me all at the same time. Right now the fear part is winning.<br /><br />2009 will be about me trying to figure out who me is and where I’m going. After 23 years, my wedding ring came off today. I don’t know that it will ever go back on or if it even matters. I guess I’ll have to figure that out.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-92039726977042498802008-12-15T20:24:00.000-08:002008-12-17T11:16:49.253-08:00Haircuts<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGAwRm8q3exxMVH7xm64jl6B92lC6TAm9TaSvb53H3p-2GWmJzg7o5JiyQzdwXMto0E3EsQtZPlXXuHfd-2KEtBgnsdZy0aMlWFEqeS96F58OU6XJBdn5lFf5py471l5b1OYoG/s1600-h/071_bennett.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5280243706332864546" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGAwRm8q3exxMVH7xm64jl6B92lC6TAm9TaSvb53H3p-2GWmJzg7o5JiyQzdwXMto0E3EsQtZPlXXuHfd-2KEtBgnsdZy0aMlWFEqeS96F58OU6XJBdn5lFf5py471l5b1OYoG/s320/071_bennett.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>As my boys have grown up, I have been their barber. When they were young and not picky, I'd take out the clippers and cut their hair. Then once they hit their teenage years they would decide they wanted an actual hair style. So I would take them down to the salon and pass my hair cutting duties off to the stylist.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I would eventually hit the point in their life where with each hair cut, a little piece of the "boy" would be cut away leaving an older son in it's place.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>This past week I went to San Antonio, Texas, to watch my oldest son graduate from Air Force basic training. I knew his hair would be cut short, if it existed at all. What I wasn't prepared for however is how the haircuts and my son's time spent in training would take what ever remnants of a boy that remained and meld him into a man. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>So changed was my son that I almost didn't recognize him. If it wasn't for his piercing gray blue eyes, I'm sure I would of walked past him.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>But I found him, dressed in blue, standing tall and true. He will always be my baby boy in my heart.</div><br /><div></div>The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-58423305161647982472008-11-15T20:14:00.000-08:002008-11-15T20:25:02.111-08:00FridaysI've picked up a new routine on Fridays. I typically work from home on Fridays and the housekeepers come in on Fridays. I had come to the conclusion that there is just too much stuff in my house.<br /><br />Some of the stuff a just a mass of clutter that has multiplied and grown over the hears. Some of is just things that we never got around to doing anything with except to stash it somewhere and leave.<br /><br />So now, on every Friday, I pick a small area in the house, this week it was the main bath, last week the front room. Basically anything that hasn't been used in the three months <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">gets</span> tossed. If it is something that doesn't really belong in that area, it get moves to where it is supposed be, provided it passes the three month rule to begin with.<br /><br />I'm sure the neighbors are puzzled as to how just a woman and a teenager manage put put out two full garbage cans every week. I know I'm amazed at how much stuff is in this house and I don't even want to think about what is in the attic.<br /><br />Part of me is sad, because in the course of this cleaning, I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">inevitability</span> come across stuff from my marriage. Love notes from husband, cards, photographs. I stack them up and set them aside, they're the only thing the 3 month rule doesn't apply to.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-44337506074292154332008-11-08T20:03:00.000-08:002008-11-08T20:19:16.173-08:00Getting On With Getting OnI'm rattling around the house alone again this weekend. My oldest is entrenched somewhere on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Lackland</span> AFB, enduring basic military training for the USAF. My youngest is spending the weekend with his dad.<br /><br />I don't like being by myself, it gives me too much time to think. Maybe a better statement should be, I don't like thinking, at least when it comes to my current life situation. But I did, and I came to the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">realization</span> that I'm stuck in limbo. I'm not falling behind, but I'm not moving ahead.<br /><br />Part of it is my own fault. I want things to be the way they used to be. Reality is that those days are gone and although I might someday approach what I liked about those days they're never going to be back. It's scary moving forward, especially faced with the fact that you may be doing it on your own. <br /><br />Part of it is my husband's fault. Whatever is going on in his life, he's made the decision to not include me as part of it. At least I think he has. He doesn't talk with me or to me. I hear from him when he has a question about the kids. Otherwise he's left me to fend for myself, take care of the house, pay the bills. It's almost like he's disappeared and yet he wants to keep funds jointly between us and stay on my employer's health insurance. Perhaps he doesn't know what he wants.<br /><br />As I was thinking I decided that I wasn't sure what I wanted either, but I did know that I don't want to be in limbo forever. So I sat down and wrote a email to my hubby. <br /><br />Limbo will only last until the end of January, make a decision or I will.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-52055807740198251242008-10-28T17:13:00.000-07:002008-10-28T17:29:01.320-07:00Wild Blue YonderMy son was born on an U.S. Air Force base a little over 19 years ago in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Albuquerque</span>, New Mexico. This afternoon he stepped on a jet bound for San Antonio, Texas, to start basic training for the Air Force.<br /><br />As I stood at the back of the ceremonial room watching him be sworn into active duty military service, I couldn't help but think back to that time.<br /><br />He is the first grand child for my parents and consequently holds a special place. He's named after his grandfathers. One who he has never meant because he died shortly after his father and I married, the other who holds him as the idol of his eye. He carries his father's swagger and his mother's <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">stubbornness</span>. He is always the first to help a friend in need regardless of the cost to himself. I'm proud to call him my son.<br /><br />I knew that one day he would leave. We raised him to be self <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">sufficient</span>, responsible, and to grab life by the horns and live it. Still it hasn't made it any easier watching him leave. Knowing I won't hear the "Love You Mom" nearly as frequent as I've grown accustomed to. That he won't be dropping by to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">peruse</span> the refrigerator and inhale any unsuspecting leftovers. I'll even miss the petty squabbles between he and his younger brother.<br /><br />A page was turned today, a chapter closed, a book completed. I hope he knows how much I love him and will miss him.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-31290614261763925122008-10-04T13:48:00.000-07:002008-10-04T13:51:23.805-07:00PricelessOne red silk tie, $12.99<br /><br />One black dress shirt, $21.99<br /><br />One black pin stripe suit, $74.99<br /><br />Watching your oldest son teach your youngest son how to slow dance before his first homecoming dance, priceless.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-75507428850118539302008-10-01T19:11:00.000-07:002008-10-01T19:22:16.986-07:00One Month DownIt seems like my life has transformed into a series of count downs or ups as the case may be.<br /><br />It's been 56 days since my husband left and I don't have any more information now then I did then.<br /><br />In 26 days my first baby leaves for basic training in the United States Air Force.<br /><br />It's 4 days until my second baby's first high school homecoming dance.<br /><br />And it's been 30 days since I declared war on my body and decided to work on my weight. I've lost 18.4 pounds and 14 inches in that 30 days. The last couple of weeks I've managed to add some excercise in every other day.<br /><br />Although everything seems to be on a time line around me, I'm on the shortest one of all...one day at a time.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-2718419941768311002008-09-11T11:53:00.000-07:002008-09-11T11:54:07.742-07:00September 11September 11<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span>. Seven years ago I was lying in bed with my husband. The clock radio kicked on and the disc jockey was just announcing that they had received reports of a small plane crashing into the World Trade Center towers in New York.<br /><br />My oldest boy, who was eleven at the time, came tearing into our room 30 seconds later. He was watching the television and they had broken into the programming. I remember thinking to myself, “they’re pretty stirred up for a small plane.” I switched on the television in the bedroom just in time to watch the second plane hit the towers. It was the end of innocence for the children in my household.<br /><br />Everything good about the world ended for my kids that day. Their sense that all was well in the world and that they lived in a safe place was shattered. At the time, I worked on the 36<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> floor of the tallest building in Portland, Oregon. That morning, my children begged and pleaded with me to please not go to work. They were afraid that our area would be next.<br /><br />The next day I was driving home with my oldest son from an appointment. The radio was on and the song “God Bless The USA” by Lee Greenwood started playing. My son and I started singing along, but halfway through the first chorus, he broke down with heaving sobs. When the song was done, I turned off the radio, I quit watching T.V., I was overwhelmed by the constant images and reminders. My son, once he regained his composure, looked at me and said. “When I am 18, I’m joining the military, and I’m going to do whatever I can to keep our people safe.”<br /><br />Noble words for an 11 year old, but he was 7 years away from 18, and a lot could happen between now and then.<br /><br />Two days ago my son received his orders from the United States Air Force. He leaves the 28<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">th</span> of October for basic training in San Antonio, Texas. After he completes Basic, he will start schooling to become an Explosive Ordinance Disposal specialist.<br /><br />I know that from now until his military career ends, that he will be dropped into every hot zone that exists around the world. He’ll be the guy on the front, clearing the path, to keep our people safe.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-15641873557720587372008-09-07T16:01:00.000-07:002008-09-07T16:10:00.984-07:00Blue SundayIt's been a month since the world as I've known it, changed.<br /><br />Now I sit at crossroads, not knowing which turn I'm ultimately going to take. I don't like the uncertainty, but truth be told I probably wouldn't like the answer to questions if I actually got them. So I wait.<br /><br />I've tried hard to put one foot in front of the other, but today it's a little bit harder. It's probably a good thing tomorrow's Monday, it means I'm back to work and my day is filled with something to do. The weekend's are hard, it's hard to fill all the empty time up, even with torching. It makes me painfully aware that I don't have many friends and even fewer physically close by.<br /><br />I start second guessing myself. Is there something wrong with me, is it all my fault? Maybe if I had tried harder, done something different. I just end up running circles around myself and I still don't have the answer to the questions.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-80479763224059830292008-09-05T10:48:00.001-07:002008-09-05T10:58:37.659-07:00Sunshine TodayYou've got to love a job that lets you work from home and really love it when they let you work from home on Fridays. I spend the majority of my week in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">cubeville</span>, back in the corner of the building and there are absolutely no windows in my office area. I couldn't tell you the weather outside if my life depended on it. I could cheat and use the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Internet</span> to tell what it is supposedly doing, but that is as close as I get. I rarely go out at lunch so I don't get an opportunity to figure out what is going on then either.<br /><br />On Fridays however I get to sit in my home office and watch the squirrels tease the dogs. It's a beautiful fall day, and I do mean fall, because the leaves have already started turning color. They are turning way early this year, almost three weeks early, which leads me to believe we're in for a cold winter. Today however, the sun is out and it's headed towards 80 degrees with a slight breeze.<br /><br />I think for me, for the near future, things are leveling out a bit. The tears have stopped, I slept last night without sleeping pills for the first time in weeks. I started my battle against the weight this week and I'm doing o.k. in that department as well. I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands over the weekend, as both my boys are with their dad.<br /><br />Which leaves me with no choice other than to fire up the torch, turn on the kiln, and melt some glass.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-1570710537473417392008-09-01T21:33:00.000-07:002008-09-01T21:49:46.288-07:00Long WeekendI just got home from a long weekend at my brother's. My youngest son and I went. We spent Saturday perusing the Saturday market, followed by watching the home town parade. Then we <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">snuck</span> home for an afternoon nap then headed back into town for the county fair and rodeo.<br /><br />Sunday we got up early and drove to a lake for some fishing. We caught our limits and headed back home for another nap, followed by an evening <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">barbecue</span> and board games.<br /><br />And today (Monday) found us headed back home. As I was driving home, I had a lot of time to think. It's a four hour drive and the youngest was plugged into his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ipod</span>, so there wasn't a lot of conversation. I grew up in the country, outside of a small town. It wasn't until I joined the military did I really get exposed to what a "city" really was. I was never really thrilled about living in town, but that is where my husband wanted to live. I tried several times to get him to move farther out, but without any luck.<br /><br />I realized today while driving back that I still miss that small town feel and living in an area where the wildlife is more prominent than the cars. The closest I get to wildlife now is a squirrel with an occasional off track raccoon. I miss neighbors that drop by to see how you're doing and to just shoot the breeze. It would be nice to have a few acres to plant fruit trees on and entertain the thought of having a couple of goats or cow or two.<br /><br />Maybe I'm just being <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">nostalgic</span> for my youth when I felt safe and loved. Or maybe the reality is that I've gotten away from roots and perhaps I'm trying to find my way back.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-17460839167152332282008-08-28T22:29:00.000-07:002008-08-28T22:44:34.450-07:00Three WeeksDon't let anyone tell you to put something off because there is plenty of time. I'm here to tell you that life can change in instance and the best laid plans can fall to the wayside.<br /><br />Three weeks ago I had just returned from a family vacation back to the Washington D.C. area with my husband, sons, and parents. Came back home with the intent to settle back into work, enjoy the time I had left with my oldest who is going into the military soon, and sit down with my husband and plan on what we were going to do in the upcoming months.<br /><br />Now, three weeks later, my husband is gone. Off to live his life on his own and figure out how he wants to live his future. I on the other hand am trying to figure out exactly what my future is. I've been married for 23 years and never truly on my own. All I have in my future with any certainty, is uncertainty.<br /><br />I still keep hoping that I'll wake up from a bad dream, but I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'm wide awake. I've moved to the next fantasy which is that my husband is away on a really long business trip.<br /><br />In reality he might as well be. My oldest came to visit 4 days after he moved in with dad. He informed me that he had seen his father for maybe 5 minutes total, because he was always at work. He then asked if he could take a nap in my bed before going to work and asked if he could come back after work. I take some comfort in knowing that even though I will never be <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">renowned</span> for my domestic skills, I've always been and always will be there for my kids. It frustrates me, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">because</span> my son is leaving soon and his father is missing hours of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">opportunity</span> to see him before he's gone. At least I know that I will not.<br /><br />So my advice to you is not to wait until tomorrow because tomorrow may not turn out like you planned.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-5018431579628056272008-08-26T17:09:00.000-07:002008-08-26T22:00:28.307-07:00I've Declared WarNo, it's not what you think.<br /><br />One of the side effects of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Cushing's</span> Disease is weight gain and we're not talking 20 or 30 pounds. You often hear of people gaining in excess of 75 pounds over a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">relatively</span> short period of time. In my case, I put on over 100 pounds.<br /><br />I've been toying with the idea of getting a lap band but I'm not convinced that my issue is with what I eat entirely. I think I just put on a lot of weight and my calorie intake is such that it is coming off very slowly. I've lost 30 pounds over the last year, but I still have a long ways to go.<br /><br />I've been reading and researching using a very low calorie diet. My self esteem is shot and being as overweight as I am isn't helping. So today I ordered a month's worth of food from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Medifast</span>. I'll give it three weeks and then assess whether it is something I can and will continue.<br /><br />Some will probably say I'm crazy for starting a diet in the middle of everything else, but in some respects I almost think it will help. I won't have to worry about cooking, except for one meal. That one meal will be fine for both my son and I, because he loves veggies, chicken and fish.<br /><br />The primary reason though is I'm doing this for me. I have to take control of my life, no one will do it for me and this is one of the places where I'm going to start.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-17787148952843040242008-08-25T21:34:00.000-07:002008-08-25T21:46:09.414-07:00Seventeen DaysSeventeen days before we had an official no tear day. In fact, we have had two days in a row of no tears.<br /><br />I'm pretty sure I know why. I haven't physically seen my husband. I've talked to him on the phone and I've gotten to the point that if I concentrate really hard, I can do so without my voice cracking. It's seeing him that does me in.<br /><br />I try to keep busy. I've decided to do an employee craft show the end of October. I've decided if I can make at least the equivalent of a stopper a day, that I should have approximately 50 to take to the show. God only knows what I'll do with 50 stoppers if they don't sell. <br /><br />I'm taking a few stoppers with me when I go to my brother's over the holiday weekend. He's in the middle of wine country and my sister in law has offered to peddle my wares. So we'll see where that goes.<br /><br />So life goes on...it's just different.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-67727497050821140552008-08-25T17:06:00.000-07:002008-08-25T17:07:01.897-07:00Damn Bubbles....<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvX73RqQoxkJAIjGlaLpMb0fvSpGH5i7dv-s5aJsYgFfL3jsXdT6UR7UYqHOYLGBEheAvfazf34iauT79drQZqIk_f0er3DryOyIqJeeD8BBk27IafscEN1UdTtgDQ20H3Vhyphenhyphenx/s1600-h/winestopper-082408.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5238611146224547234" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvX73RqQoxkJAIjGlaLpMb0fvSpGH5i7dv-s5aJsYgFfL3jsXdT6UR7UYqHOYLGBEheAvfazf34iauT79drQZqIk_f0er3DryOyIqJeeD8BBk27IafscEN1UdTtgDQ20H3Vhyphenhyphenx/s320/winestopper-082408.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-7584788785370667632008-08-21T21:01:00.000-07:002008-08-21T21:17:35.274-07:00This Is Going To Take Some Getting Use ToI'm sitting in an empty house tonight. Not physically empty, but empty of children and of course my husband. It will be that way all night. My youngest went to spend the first overnight trip at Dad's place. My oldest has a serious girlfriend and a job from 10 p.m. to 3 a.m., so I haven't seen much of him either. It will be even less so after this weekend because he is moving in with his dad.<br /><br />So here I sit. The cat seems to enjoy it. She is stretched out in the middle of the kitchen floor. A month a go she wouldn't of dared take up the position for fear of getting stepped on. I suppose some people would relish having a quiet house all to themselves. I'm not one of those people.<br /><br />I know those of you that have a glass addiction like myself are now screaming "Go Torch!!", but my ambition and drive is lacking. Hopefully with time and pharmaceuticals it will come back. I start on a new set of medications tomorrow that will hopefully improve my outlook on life...keep your fingers crossed.The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-69682630242204082162008-08-20T20:31:00.000-07:002008-08-20T20:33:44.661-07:00Time To Focus On Other Things...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhYyc3i-1D0dPEVrYiobPCvjIMeP1pvv8rjD_wexDKliB8K2-61VlD45q0WxfZueetIEBNZbm9IDkamhVTc112JEdu-0Szj7WSeMhQLd-hR_Gqhqsa8q5FNv3cuqv9ZJRZv8R-/s1600-h/marble-082108.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5236808713418907042" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhYyc3i-1D0dPEVrYiobPCvjIMeP1pvv8rjD_wexDKliB8K2-61VlD45q0WxfZueetIEBNZbm9IDkamhVTc112JEdu-0Szj7WSeMhQLd-hR_Gqhqsa8q5FNv3cuqv9ZJRZv8R-/s320/marble-082108.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23386861.post-28041963872824429982008-08-20T18:48:00.000-07:002008-08-20T19:01:08.503-07:00Keeping TallyI'm beginning to wonder if I should start a tally of how many days in a row tears have fallen. I get up every day with the lofty goal that I'm not going to cry. I still have to achieve that goal, it's been 14 days.<br /><br />I suppose it is a good thing that I'm seeing a mental health professional tomorrow. This one specializes in medication management. The one next week specializes in counseling. I guess the days of an all in one package are gone.<br /><br />I'm hoping that some how they'll help or numb me. I can't sleep without popping pills. I've tried every few days to skip them, only to wonder out a few hours later to take them anyway. I have never been one for makeup, but I'm considering taking the practice up in an effort to cover the dark circles under my eyes. Of course they don't make makeup to cover up red eyes.<br /><br />Perhaps pharmaceuticals will save me...The Lemurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14346768811327769954noreply@blogger.com1