How is it that you can live with someone for 25 years, have life and death experiences, have two sons, and then sit across from the person they've shared that with and tell them you didn't really love them? Didn't love them then and didn't love them now, just tried to convince themselves they did.
The man I've shared my life with for the past 25 years did exactly that today. I'd like to sit here and write all sorts of thoughts and theories about what is going on, but I really don't know what to say. I'm empty, hurt, and feel like my heart has been torn from my chest.
I was told that I was unsupportive. That I didn't put him first. I must of missed something all those years and now I get to pay the price. A single parent and a single person at 47 years old. I get to spend the golden years of my life alone, not to mention looking at the smoking barrel of rheumotoid arthritis.
Yes, I'm feeling less than optimistic about my situation at this point. I've been torn down about as low as I can go and am pretty much speechless.
You may remember a few months back that I said come the end of January decisions about life were going to be made. I bravely drew a line in the sand and declared my intents. Well in case you haven't noticed, January is all but gone, a mere 4 days remain.
When I made my declaration the end of January seemed so far away. In reality and a blink of an eye it's here. I'd like to say that I've had a revelation and that all my choices and decisions are clear to me. But like everything else in my life at this moment, nothing is clear. I have a heart that still loves someone regardless of how they may feel about me. That same heart is broken and scarred and not sure that it ever wants to be tested in this way again. I have a brain that remembers all the fun and good memories over the last twenty plus years. This same brain also points out all the not so fun parts. I always wished I had more time and now that I have it I'm not so sure I want it any more.
My friends and family have made me realize how lucky I am to have a support system. My sons are my rocks. They hold me steady and let me know that it's o.k. that I'm not a super mom or a clone of Suzie Homemaker. They love me unconditionally and I hope that is a trait they never lose with me or anyone else they hold close to their hearts.
So here I stand by my line in the sand. Wondering if I stand fast or step over it? Perhaps I will erase it and draw it in the future.
Maybe I will simply turn around and walk away.
I've never been one to say "Hey, look at me!" In fact, more times than not it has been just the opposite.
As a child and young adult, I was very shy. I grew up in the country and there were no children anywhere near, so I didn't quite know how to react when I went somewhere where there were kids.
Kids are very direct to the point of being mean with their comments. Couple that with the fact that I was an overweight child. The two together made a lot of my encounters when I did finally get with others my own age painful. I found myself growing up, pretty much sticking to myself. I had one or two close friends that I carried with me all through school, but was not a social butterfly in any sense of the word.
I've also never been what you'd call a typical female if there is such a thing. I don't live to shop, don't wear make-up, don't have my nails done. I enjoy fishing and camping. I more comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt than a business suit.
I was so happy when I met my husband, because he accepted me as I was.
I have found however as an adult that I am in a lot ways the same as I was as a child. I tend to keep to myself. My friend base is still limited. I think part of me is afraid of being rejected because I'm fat or too plain or the list goes on and on.
If I let the rational adult in me step up, it would be saying why should you care? The people who are truly interested in you won't care whether you're fat or thin; wear jeans; or don't do typical female things. They'll like you because of what they can't see on the outside. Your wit, sincerity, and sometimes off beat sense of humor.
So although I worry about the children of my youth pointing out my flaws and making fun of me as adults, I'm going to move forward anyway.
I'm putting a face with the name, the writings, the nightly IM chats. Hopefully you'll be able to figure out which one I am.
Here it is the first day of 2009. I’ve tried to sit back and think about what I was doing a year ago today and I can’t honestly remember. I don’t know if that is because there has been so much other stuff that has happened, that it’s clogged my memory, or if it was really that nondescript of a day.
I do think that whatever I was doing a year ago today, I had no vision that I was going to be where I am. Usually the New Year brought a discussion with my husband about what we were going to do in the upcoming months. What projects were on the agenda, where were we going to go on vacation, etc. 2008 was supposed to be a banner year for us. Our eldest son was going to graduate from high school, we we’re going to take a long planned vacation to the East Coast, and my oldest was going to join the Air Force. It would be the start of my youngest son’s freshman year in high school. The end of one stage of our life and the beginning of a new one. Little did I know. I’ll save you the instant reply and for those who don’t have a clue, there’s catch up reading for you to do if you have an interest.
I’m not really sure what 2009 holds for me. To be honest, I’m not sure that I want to know. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep, wake up, and have everything back to the way it was. The reality however is there were a lot of things then that I really don’t want to be part of now. Unfortunately I can’t trim away the bad and leave the good. I’ve always known that and I had made a decision that the good was worth enduring the bad. I had taken my wedding vows sincerely, for better or worse, richer or poorer. What did that type of sincerity get me? Me, standing alone, after 23 plus years of marriage.
I have to be honest; I don’t know who I am. I’m a mother, daughter, granddaughter, friend, co-worker, and one time wife. But who am I? What do I want? The thought scares the crap out of me and excites me all at the same time. Right now the fear part is winning.
2009 will be about me trying to figure out who me is and where I’m going. After 23 years, my wedding ring came off today. I don’t know that it will ever go back on or if it even matters. I guess I’ll have to figure that out.