2009

Here it is the first day of 2009. I’ve tried to sit back and think about what I was doing a year ago today and I can’t honestly remember. I don’t know if that is because there has been so much other stuff that has happened, that it’s clogged my memory, or if it was really that nondescript of a day.

I do think that whatever I was doing a year ago today, I had no vision that I was going to be where I am. Usually the New Year brought a discussion with my husband about what we were going to do in the upcoming months. What projects were on the agenda, where were we going to go on vacation, etc. 2008 was supposed to be a banner year for us. Our eldest son was going to graduate from high school, we we’re going to take a long planned vacation to the East Coast, and my oldest was going to join the Air Force. It would be the start of my youngest son’s freshman year in high school. The end of one stage of our life and the beginning of a new one. Little did I know. I’ll save you the instant reply and for those who don’t have a clue, there’s catch up reading for you to do if you have an interest.

I’m not really sure what 2009 holds for me. To be honest, I’m not sure that I want to know. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep, wake up, and have everything back to the way it was. The reality however is there were a lot of things then that I really don’t want to be part of now. Unfortunately I can’t trim away the bad and leave the good. I’ve always known that and I had made a decision that the good was worth enduring the bad. I had taken my wedding vows sincerely, for better or worse, richer or poorer. What did that type of sincerity get me? Me, standing alone, after 23 plus years of marriage.

I have to be honest; I don’t know who I am. I’m a mother, daughter, granddaughter, friend, co-worker, and one time wife. But who am I? What do I want? The thought scares the crap out of me and excites me all at the same time. Right now the fear part is winning.

2009 will be about me trying to figure out who me is and where I’m going. After 23 years, my wedding ring came off today. I don’t know that it will ever go back on or if it even matters. I guess I’ll have to figure that out.