Down To One

Lyrics and Music By Melissa Etheridge

What went right
What went wrong
Doesn't really matter much
When it's gone

Was it too hard to try
Was it too hard to lie
Did you just grow tired of hello and goodbye
Was it the naked truth that made you run
Where do I go now
That I'm down to one

Sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I'm down to one
My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
Now it's done
I'm down to one

I want to know where I failed
I want to know where I sinned
Cause I don't want to ever feel this way again
Was the wanting too deep
Did it block your sun
Where do I go now
That I'm down to one
What am I supposed to think

What am I gonna say
What did I ever know
About this love anyway

Only A Name

It's funny how something so simple can churn up so much emotion and remorse.

I had a dental appointment today, the good ol' six month scrape and polish. I anticipated that it would be a non event. It progressed that way until I was handed my health survey from a previous visit and was asked if everything was current. Instantaneously my eyes were drawn to the emergency contact information, probably because his name jumped out at me.

I was unprepared nor expecting the wave of emotion that washed over me from something so seemingly benign. I swallowed the lump in my throat and clenched my jaw, all the time talking to myself silently in my head that I wasn't going to give in to the tears building up inside. Why does something as simple as a dental health history form, up end my day?

I took the pen and lined through the name, beneath it I wrote in my parents. Part of me wishes that my own life change was that simple and painless. Line through the name, write a new one in, start fresh.

Instead I sit here, tears rolling down my face, writing in a blog, and wondering what other nondescript item will turn up to remind me of what will never be...

Do Opposites Attract?

I've been asking myself that question for the last couple of weeks now. Are opposite personalities really attracting or is it just a myth? I used to think that it was true. After all my husband was the complete opposite of myself. He is high energy, short tempered, work until the the cows come home. I'm slow and steady, with a long fuse, and work 'til my 8 hours for the day are done and then off on other things. He came from a doctor's family, I came from a small town mill worker's family.

I thought we complimented each other, blended together. I brought some balance to his life he brought some zing to mine.

Over the last few months, both of my boys have mentioned that they always wondered how we got along, because we both seemed so different. Obviously I didn't see it, or did I and just chose not to recognize it?

Therapy while helpful often exposes things you either didn't know or didn't want to know. I can say without a doubt that I loved my husband, but I can also now say that I put up with a lot of things because of the illusion that we were going to work it out, things would get better. I stayed put, because I held the belief that marriage is for better or worse, richer or poorer, but in order for that to work, you both have to hold the same belief and you both have to work on improving it.

My therapist told me the other day that I could of walked on water, been the reincarnation of Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker all wrapped up into one, and it would of made not one iota of difference. I guess the good thing in all of this is I have no where to go but up. I can't help but feel regret and anger however for all the effort and time wasted.

I used to say if I had it all to do over again I wouldn't change a thing. I don't say that anymore.

Speechless

How is it that you can live with someone for 25 years, have life and death experiences, have two sons, and then sit across from the person they've shared that with and tell them you didn't really love them? Didn't love them then and didn't love them now, just tried to convince themselves they did.

The man I've shared my life with for the past 25 years did exactly that today. I'd like to sit here and write all sorts of thoughts and theories about what is going on, but I really don't know what to say. I'm empty, hurt, and feel like my heart has been torn from my chest.

I was told that I was unsupportive. That I didn't put him first. I must of missed something all those years and now I get to pay the price. A single parent and a single person at 47 years old. I get to spend the golden years of my life alone, not to mention looking at the smoking barrel of rheumotoid arthritis.

Yes, I'm feeling less than optimistic about my situation at this point. I've been torn down about as low as I can go and am pretty much speechless.

Line In The Sand

You may remember a few months back that I said come the end of January decisions about life were going to be made. I bravely drew a line in the sand and declared my intents. Well in case you haven't noticed, January is all but gone, a mere 4 days remain.

When I made my declaration the end of January seemed so far away. In reality and a blink of an eye it's here. I'd like to say that I've had a revelation and that all my choices and decisions are clear to me. But like everything else in my life at this moment, nothing is clear. I have a heart that still loves someone regardless of how they may feel about me. That same heart is broken and scarred and not sure that it ever wants to be tested in this way again. I have a brain that remembers all the fun and good memories over the last twenty plus years. This same brain also points out all the not so fun parts. I always wished I had more time and now that I have it I'm not so sure I want it any more.

My friends and family have made me realize how lucky I am to have a support system. My sons are my rocks. They hold me steady and let me know that it's o.k. that I'm not a super mom or a clone of Suzie Homemaker. They love me unconditionally and I hope that is a trait they never lose with me or anyone else they hold close to their hearts.

So here I stand by my line in the sand. Wondering if I stand fast or step over it? Perhaps I will erase it and draw it in the future.

Maybe I will simply turn around and walk away.

The Lemur Unmasked

I've never been one to say "Hey, look at me!" In fact, more times than not it has been just the opposite.

As a child and young adult, I was very shy. I grew up in the country and there were no children anywhere near, so I didn't quite know how to react when I went somewhere where there were kids.

Kids are very direct to the point of being mean with their comments. Couple that with the fact that I was an overweight child. The two together made a lot of my encounters when I did finally get with others my own age painful. I found myself growing up, pretty much sticking to myself. I had one or two close friends that I carried with me all through school, but was not a social butterfly in any sense of the word.

I've also never been what you'd call a typical female if there is such a thing. I don't live to shop, don't wear make-up, don't have my nails done. I enjoy fishing and camping. I more comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt than a business suit.

I was so happy when I met my husband, because he accepted me as I was.

I have found however as an adult that I am in a lot ways the same as I was as a child. I tend to keep to myself. My friend base is still limited. I think part of me is afraid of being rejected because I'm fat or too plain or the list goes on and on.

If I let the rational adult in me step up, it would be saying why should you care? The people who are truly interested in you won't care whether you're fat or thin; wear jeans; or don't do typical female things. They'll like you because of what they can't see on the outside. Your wit, sincerity, and sometimes off beat sense of humor.

So although I worry about the children of my youth pointing out my flaws and making fun of me as adults, I'm going to move forward anyway.

I'm putting a face with the name, the writings, the nightly IM chats. Hopefully you'll be able to figure out which one I am.

2009

Here it is the first day of 2009. I’ve tried to sit back and think about what I was doing a year ago today and I can’t honestly remember. I don’t know if that is because there has been so much other stuff that has happened, that it’s clogged my memory, or if it was really that nondescript of a day.

I do think that whatever I was doing a year ago today, I had no vision that I was going to be where I am. Usually the New Year brought a discussion with my husband about what we were going to do in the upcoming months. What projects were on the agenda, where were we going to go on vacation, etc. 2008 was supposed to be a banner year for us. Our eldest son was going to graduate from high school, we we’re going to take a long planned vacation to the East Coast, and my oldest was going to join the Air Force. It would be the start of my youngest son’s freshman year in high school. The end of one stage of our life and the beginning of a new one. Little did I know. I’ll save you the instant reply and for those who don’t have a clue, there’s catch up reading for you to do if you have an interest.

I’m not really sure what 2009 holds for me. To be honest, I’m not sure that I want to know. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep, wake up, and have everything back to the way it was. The reality however is there were a lot of things then that I really don’t want to be part of now. Unfortunately I can’t trim away the bad and leave the good. I’ve always known that and I had made a decision that the good was worth enduring the bad. I had taken my wedding vows sincerely, for better or worse, richer or poorer. What did that type of sincerity get me? Me, standing alone, after 23 plus years of marriage.

I have to be honest; I don’t know who I am. I’m a mother, daughter, granddaughter, friend, co-worker, and one time wife. But who am I? What do I want? The thought scares the crap out of me and excites me all at the same time. Right now the fear part is winning.

2009 will be about me trying to figure out who me is and where I’m going. After 23 years, my wedding ring came off today. I don’t know that it will ever go back on or if it even matters. I guess I’ll have to figure that out.