Every Morning

Every morning I wake up and lay there a moment, wondering if it's real. If I really am laying in bed alone. I have a mental argument with myself on whether to turn and see if he's laying there. I can smell him, his pillows are still there. I open my eyes and turn my head, it's only pillows.

The tears come every morning, either in bed, the shower, on the way to work, there always there, just a matter of when. Hard as I try to get through the day and past the morning water works, they always show up later in the day. If it's a good day, maybe only once. A bad day, I don't count. Throw in an almost daily occurrence of a panic attack and you have my life for the last 5 days.

I made myself walk yesterday after work, over to the high school track, around the track 4 times, and then back home. I had told myself on vacation because I had walked so much during it that I would continue when I got home. Yesterday seemed as good a time to start as any, plus I couldn't stand being in the house.

I wish one of these mornings I would open my eyes and it would be all a bad dream, I'm not very optimistic about the prospect.